Hello again. Well, it's time for the greatest fuckin' holiday on the planet. Everybody who's anybody loves Christmas, and the joy it brings during the year; except Jews and Arabs of course. What do people love most, though? What do people yearn to have every year from Santa Claus? The joy of family togetherness?! BULLSHIT!! Everyone says they love the family togetherness most (and believe it or not, some do!) but most people love one thing (not to worry, the love family just as much as this): PRESENTS.
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| Hilarious Batman comic panel I just found |
Presents define Christmas (that and Jesus). Presents are a way of showing joy and care for the ones you love; and what better way to express your caring devotion for someone than buying a poster of an obese cat that reads "i can haz cheezburger?" for them to open on Christmas morning?
However, presents have their annoying sides to them. Imagine waiting for a year and allowing lots of time to go by. Imagine wanting something so big and grand that there's only one holiday in which you can have it (Hanukkah, no just kidding). You beg the fake mall Santa guy and plead on your knees to have a certain toy. Sure, he nods and acknowledges, but we all know deep down that he's not paying the slightest bit of attention to what you have to say. You see, he's actually paying attention to the hot twenty-year-old blond-haired girl behind you. He has no interest in what you say, he's not even the real Santa anyway, but more on that later...
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| Whoops... |
Sorry, quite the rant. Anywho, you're wanting something so bad and you beg for it. Come Christmas morning, it isn't there?! What the FUCK?! I waited 364 days of school and parents and this is what I get?! TUBE SOCKS?! I'm not speaking from personal experience here, but its what some kids think. They believe that thought doesn't count and its their happiness that should count. We, of course, all know that that is complete horse shit and that it is indeed the thought that counts.
Presents are also responsible for sky-rocketing suicide rates around the holidays. I mean, holy shit people, just because they ran out of copies of a certain movie you were gonna by for a friend?; It doesn't mean go to a quiet room in your house and blow your brains all over your mom's shoes with your dad's hunting rifle. It's the fuckin' holidays, just wait until the following week when a new shipment gets in, get up early, and go get it. That's why Black Friday such a big ass deal...
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| Heh |
Wrapping paper's a bitch. Christmas morning, there's a minefield in your living room after present unwrapping is done. You can't step anywhere or your gonna step on a crumpled bow or some smashed wrapping paper ball (in same cases, discarded presents). Who's gonna clean that crap up? No one in the house will, so the dogs and cats do...thank you...
For little kids, I'm sure it's not fair to see their Jewish friends wearing yamakas unwrapping eight nights worth of gifts. What kind of psycho bullshit is that? Just because your Jewish you get to open eight nights worth of gifts instead just one morning? We as Christmas celebrators know that Hanukkah is a marketing ploy sent out by the Jews to get you to join Judaism for the presents. I'm kidding of course, but you got to look at the facts...
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| Presents...Honest to God, presents |
Other than that there's really not much to say...Let's go back to Black Friday real quick. Yes, the biggest shopping day of the year for Christmas presents. Back in the day, everybody and their mothers got out for Black Friday. Spending thousands of dollars in one day on all those you love; it just seems like something that nobody would ever go for. I guess the joy of seeing the person's face light up when they unwrap is well worth the average $1.65 billion a day Americans spend; or the 275 million individual people who get up out of their houses and go spend thousands of dollars on their loved ones. It's actually quite the spectacle. Nowadays, however, Black Friday received an online counterpart known as "Cyber Monday"; basically an all-online Black Friday. In its first few years, Cyber Monday really didn't catch on or produce near enough money as Black Friday, but in the past few years its been slowly gaining ground. Soon, Cyber Monday shall be the new thing, and Black Friday will be considered the past; that would have to take some time however.
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| So true...we're FUCKED |
Plus, I never realized how much of a hazard Black Friday truly is. In 2007, three women got into a cat fight in a JCPenny's over makeup and jewelry. No one was hurt, but merchandise was confiscated. In 2008, some lady shot kids with a BB gun outside a Wal-Mart and took what gifts they had. In 2009, some poor old guy got trampled to death in a Wal-Mart by vicious shoppers. In 2010, a large teenage fight to the death took place in a Target parking lot over a PS3, Xbox 360, games and hardware. Two teens were killed, several more received hardcore knife wounds. In 2011, a lady stood by a local Toys R' Us and pepper-sprayed people and stole their gifts as they were walking out of the store. People are just sick around this time of year...People die, guys! This is worse than war! (Mostly its just the women causing the ruckus)...
That's pretty much it, that's all I had to say. Thank you for listening to my ordeal, I really enjoyed writing for some strange, bizarre reason. Sometimes I don't get why present shopping is such a big deal, but I guess that's because I got nothing to shop for just yet. Soon, I'll be part of the madness myself, and I might just get caught up in it. So have a fuckin' happy holiday, drink some booze, get drunk, and never speak to your cousin again...
...just kidding
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