Halloween 2011 Extravaganza! Part II

Edward Cullen, the "vampire" of the story

Well, it's time. I've been actually looking forward to writing this post for quite some time actually. I love ranting about jargon that is both irrelevant and ridiculous. Somehow I get a joy off of it.

Anyway, I've been mentally jotting down ideas for what to post in this one. Of course we all know that it will continue on the premises of Twilight, both a book and film franchise that is complete nonsense. Everything about the series is shit, and we all know that. The character traits, the development, the story, the plot devices, the setting; everything. It seems like Stephanie Meyer or whoever was responsible, just wanted to flush the vampire mythology down the shitter. What's worse is that everyone seems to have loved it!

Bela Lugosi as Dracula

Edward Cullen. What else can be said? He's a six foot fruit with spiked hair and chalk white skin. If he wasn't a fag he'd resemble the Joker. He attends high school for some reason never really explained, and begins hitting on Bella by "staring at her". That's it; he just gazes at her and gets an imaginary boner under the table. I mean come on, that's dumb enough that she falls in love with him just because he looked her. So all of a sudden, Bella decides at the enlightening age of seventeen that she is desperately in love with Edward. However, the minute the wig wearing dickhead known as Jacob Black steps in, the whole world falls apart. "Vampires" are fighting with "Werewolves" and it's all because of Bella. Who, in all honesty isn't really worth it because she is pale herself and looks like a trainwreck. Nice body, but passable.

Now, what's the biggest problem with Edward? Why do so many others, including myself, despise him and resent him? A great deal of reasons, I can assure you! One, is that he's supposed to be 108 years of age, due to his immortality of being a "vampire". He's hitting on 17-year-old Bella, doesn't that make him a sex offender technically? Shouldn't the US government come down him for doing that? Isn't that just sick? That was what Dracula was about! Dracula hit on women his own maturity, hence his wives. Dracula's wives were all of equal age, and all had pretty much the same features Bella is just your normal tween chicks desperate for a boner, though as stated in the last post, she ain't gonna get from Edward.

Christopher Lee as Dracula

The biggest complaint I think is that Edward is supposed to be a "vampire"; a creature of the night who is undead and goes around drinking the blood of humans. They sleep in coffins during the day, but at night they awaken to continue to feed. They can transform into bats, and they live for centuries. They can be killed by garlic of any sort, holy water, a crucifix, or a hammer and stake. Look at the picture to the left. This is taken from the film "Horror of Dracula". Made in 1958, it was an adaptation of the original Bram Stoker novel. It was dark, bloody and intricate. Dracula hit on women of all sorts, and even had sex with one of them. Of course, this too is debunked by the whole "blood flow" formula. Unfortunately, Edward does not follow any of the mythology. He stays out during the day, his skin sparkles like a gay version of 50 Cent. His form of feeding is drinking the blood of animals. Yes, animals. I think that technically makes him a vegetarian vampire. That's a fucking disgrace, what a sucker punch to mythology fans. Edward Cullen is nothing but a stupid character and Bella should feel like a cheap slut for falling in love with such a fruit.

Plus, the rule that a vampire cannot enter your house unless invited, is completely tossed aside in this mythos. In this series, Edward and his family just casually stroll in and out of Bella's house whenever they want. What a fuckin' shame...

Gary Oldman as Dracula

Vampires cannot technically get it up. We've been over this quite a few times, but seriously. In the trailer for Twilight Breaking Dawn, it shows Edward fucking Bella and then she gets knocked up. What? Knocked up? That's fucking ridiculous. I mean, sure for some reason Dracula had a son in "Son of Dracula" in the late '30s, but that was later rectified. In the early 90's, Francis Ford Coppola wrote and directed an award-winning adaptation of the film. In 1992, Bram Stoker's Dracula set the knew breed of vampirism for the forseeable future. When Twilight came along, it fucked up everything. Now, vampires are considered "pussies" and are laughed at.

Edward Cullen is not a vampire, plain and simple. He claims to be a vampire, when in reality he's just a frail and pasty schmuck trying to make Bella hot to fuck a mythological creature. For some reason, Bella and a lot of preteen girls dig Edward, and I really do not know why. I mean, just look at Lugosi, look at Lee, and take a long look at Oldman. All three of these guys have played awesome vampires. They were scary and fun to watch at the same time. Edward is just boring, gay, redundant and too lovey-dovey to watch. He acts more like Ashore Kutcher than a creature of the night that feeds on living things in order to survive. Face it, maybe Meyer was trying to do the world a favor? Maybe she was trying to give the girls their own vampire to fantasize about, like some ladies would really get off on that? That's just sick...

Here's the slim skinny of it: Vampires are everything Edward Cullen is not. Whatever it was Stephanie Meyer was trying to make a "vampire" out to be, failed miserably. She fell fifty yards short of the upright on a field goal attempt if you will. She really tried to take something as frightening as a vampire and make them like something you'd see on Dawson's Creek. Maybe they're planning a spin-off called Edward's Creek, maybe that'll take off soon. If you'd like to see something modern of a frightening vampire that is both horrifying and cunning, check out Fright Night, either the 1985 or 2011 version. You want a true vampire? That's where you'll find it... Stay away from this garbage, it will ruin your perception of vampires for the foreseeable future. Heed this warning, and happy fuckin' Halloween...

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Kurt Barlow, the vampire from Stephen King's "Salem's Lot"