So I thought to myself, what's so laughable about Halloween? I thought about what could possibly be the stupidest, dumbest, most idiotic thing on this planet to make fun of that's "monster" or "ghoul" related? BOOM! Twilight.
Good God, how there is nothing more laughable on this planet! Now, whoever reading this probably knows better than me about these novels. But I think it goes without saying that this franchise, IS HORRENDOUS!! It takes everything that we know and love about monster movies and Halloween and turns into a lovey-dovey shits-for-the-birds story that has no inspiration, no character development, and the absolute dumbest story since The Rocky Horror Picture Show. But what's the difference between the two? Rocky Horror, despite the fact that it's weird and cheesy, is still a good movie and has a large cult following of people who enjoy the music and the plot. Twilight on the other hand? It has a cult following of 12-year-old girls with fetishes for girly vampires.
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| Rocky Horror poster |
First off, the story is pretty lame about how a girl who believes she is tortured (though she is just UNGODLY pertentious) falls in love with a pasty-faced dickbag who claims to be a vampire, when in reality, he is most certainly not a vampire. However, we'll get to that later. Now, let's talk about something very similar to that: Jacob Black. The wig wearing prick who is a "werewolf". Yes, werewolves have even been pussified by these damn novels. Why would Bella fall in love with a werewolf anyway? Would that turn her on during the intercourse? Does she dig bestiality? Isn't that illegal in the US?
Look, I'm not trying to be gross here, but Bella's not making it easy. Either she likes sex with animals, or she likes sex with cold dudes who by the laws of science and nature can not possibly get an erection because he claims there is "no blood flowing in his body". Christ, WHO WROTE THIS?!
Jacob transforms into a werewolf by will. That's right, I guess the whole lycanthropy mythology takes a backseat to a pussweed who always walks around with his damn shirt off. You asshole! Werewolves are supposed to be eating little girls, not trying to pick up on them! A werewolf has two distinct rules:
1. Find a human
2. Eat a human
While Jacob Black has other plans:
1. Find a human
2. Fall madly in love with that human, and try your best to woo her from a "vampire" who is fighting you for her love.
3. Also always remember to spend 70%-75% of the movies with your shirt off, or you won't get paid.
See? It's too fucking stupid for human comprehension. Plus the fact that werewolves are harmed by silver means that Jacob should've been scared off by Bella's jewelry, not turned on! What kind of pussy werewolf is this guy? Oh wait, he's not a werewolf! He's some schmuck willing to turn into werewolves at will despite the time of day and walk around half naked. What a piece of shit...
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| Jacob Black - The "werewolf" of our story |
What about this story makes the teenybopper girls go wild? The fact that mythological creatures from Halloween and horror stories are now hot and touchable? If that's what Ms. Meyer was going for, than I guess it's really not bad. It's like taking Dracula and slapping him on kindergarten school supplies. They're wussifying the popular monsters to try and make a bigger buck, though they found out that it's the MINORITY of lonely pre-teen girls who read shit. The other girls at least read something conceivable and fun, not shit. So, there you have it. I guess they really fucked up...
Now I know I normally have a disclaimer somewhere about not wanting to read if by some chance you're partial to Twilight and actually genuinely love the stories. But to that, I have one question: What the hell were you thinking? You spent thirty bucks on five hundred pages of paper that could've been put to better use as toilet paper. You wasted your money on Twilight, and soon you'll regret it.
People always wonder though, "Is Jacob the only faggot werewolf in the pack?" To that I always respond with, "There's a pack of them?!" Yes, Jacob runs in a posse of faggot werewolves. I mean come on, one was bad enough, why do we need more of them fuckin' fur balls? They aren't even decent werewolves, WHO AUTHORIZED THIS FRANCHISE!?
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| The Werewolf Pride Parade |
I don't know what else there is to say. I think there's everything that can be said about Jacob. But look to the left, just look. Would you believe that they were supposed to be werewolves? NO! You'd think they're in a Latino Backstreet Boys cover band. Good God, its insulting to the horror genre. Everything we know and love about werewolves is now being considered a joke. Is there no end to this madness?
You know what was a redeaming factor though? Something that came to theaters as like a glimmer of hope. Something I went, saw, and enjoyed. The Wolfman starring Benicio Del Toro and Anthony Hopkins. Oh my, what a movie. It is of course inferior to the 1941 film, but still it did the werewolf genre justice. This werewolf killed people, ate them, and was seen drueling intestines and bodily fluids. It was harmed by silver, and only transformed by the full moon. Wow, it was like Twilight took a nasty shit and The Wolfman took a can of Febreze to it. I was so thankful for that movie and I watch it every Halloween.
Well, this was quite the rant. I will leave you now, but don't worry, part two is coming. In that, we will discuss Edward Cullen's medical condition that makes him believe he's a vampire. Don't forget to keep checking for updates and please follow me. Oh and by the way, look below. You tell me which one's a fucking werewolf...
Thought so...
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