The Twilight Musical - God's Sucker Punch to the Performing Arts

Happy belated New Year to all, welcome to 2012. Well, "A Christmas Month" was a success, and by that I mean I actually got a couple emails regarding its excellence. One from Warner Bros. studios threatening copyright lawsuits should I continue to mention anything about their films ever again, and one from a boy named Danny telling me that if I send his story to twelve other people, my crush will kiss me on Friday. Thank you, Danny, I'll see you in court.

Funny Twilight poster

Now that we're caught up, I recently overheard some Yahoo! chit chat about a "Twilight Musical" that is hitting the city of New York for one night only. According to certain posts and articles, the musical will parody the books and movies, as well as make fun of little girls' obsessions with sparkly fag vampires and shirtless homo werewolves.

I don't understand what to think of this. It seems as though they want us to come and see the show, as many have been quoted as saying "it appeals to both lovers and haters". That sums up my feelings towards this shit, but it still also satisfies the lovers. Yeah, I know, the definition of "satisfies" when we're talking about Twilight is pretty wide: mostly men satisfying men, but I digress...

We all know that the characters in Twilight have little to no emotion, little to no development, and worst of all; little to no life. These characters are the blandest, stupidest, lamest, dumbest, shittiest, gayest, silliest, sparkliest, sluttiest, horniest, boring-est characters on the planet. How would that change in a musical? Well, imagine Twilight, the movie that has enthralled all preteen girls everywhere and pissed off all their boyfriends everywhere, on the big screen. Except now, imagine hearing cheesy music coming out of Edward and Bella's mouths that even Disney would be ashamed of.

Twilight Sucks!

Are your ears bleeding yet? No? Think harder. Imagine "A Whole New World", originally sung by the Aladdin and Jasmine in the film Aladdin, but now being sung by Edward and Bella in a forest, while Edward is sparkling and Bella is dropping her pants ready to take Edward's crystal-studded penis into her slutty little...well, you know. Good God, is that terrifying. It was slightly exhausting in Aladdin, now it's gonna be on the stage in New York with gay vampires, shirtless werewolves, and depressed girls getting all jiggy with it.

Yes, its a truly haunting thing to imagine, but there's on thing we're all forgetting; according to the posts, it is supposed to lampoon the movies as well, entertaining all the haters of the franchise as well. The only way it would be even better if it included several pop culture references, like RoboCop and Tommy Lee or what not. Never mind, Tommy Lee's too cool to subject himself to such shit...

All I did was type "Twilight Sucks" on Google.
I found so much shit!

Well, this was my micro-rant on the upcoming Twilight Musical. Will it suck? Most likely. Will it be worse than Moulin Rouge!? Tough call. I will say this, that making a musical out of something that's already laughably retarded and cheesy is just asking for bad luck. Making a musical out of something that everybody loves? Also a bad idea. Can you imagine a musical based off of "Facebook"? Hell no. It's just asking for trouble, and they try to lure everyone in who hates the franchise as well as loves it. You just have to guess that no matter what they come up with for a marketing scheme, it's still probably gonna flop, because they've already fucked up with selecting subject material. It's a sad world we live in...