"Hot Problems": Five Years Hasn't Helped At All

It's been a while since I've written in here, I've been so preoccupied with my Spoiler Alert blog that I nearly forgot about this one. The one for all my random nonsense.

I was surfing the web one night when I decided to punish myself for doing God only knows what and start browsing YouTube for the "viral" videos of the past. So your remixes, your Vines, your incessantly annoying music videos from ages ago all came into my viewing. I don't know, I guess you can say I have a real knack for blasting the cheapest schlock jargon thinking that reliving it would make it feel like it would age with time. I'll give you a hint: Most of them don't..

One of them I came across in particular was a song called "Hot Problems" by a girl duet known as Double Take, released on the internet on April 20th, 2012...Hitler's birthday of all days. "Double Take" is what they're known as in the hell hole known as the internet. I don't know what their names are and I don't want to know what their names are. These two girls must've had a really bad time in high school, because the song is, I guess, a giant "fuck you" to people who call them 'sluts', 'trash', 'skanks' and every other nice word high schoolers use for each other. Double Take has the distinction, in my opinion, of being the worst, half-assed, musical crap-factory that anyone ever made to try and make themselves famous fast and quick. Even the homemade videos on RCA camcorders of people lip-syncing to Nicki Minaj come across as better music. Double Take, and "Hot Problems", especially, are both droning, nonsensical, spoken-word, dumpster fires.

The Random statue in the beginning that has no meaning,
bearing, or imagery remotely associated with the rest of
the video.

So, their tribute to Rebecca Black, or whatever the hell it is and how it came to be, starts off with the two of them dancing (or shaking off a case of rickets, your call) in the back of a limo unsupervised. Nevermind that there are shots of whiskey in rocks glasses in the limo, too. Endorsing underage drinking, I see. Way to try and be edgy.

What follows are the two girls doing their best William Shatner impressions as they literally speak their way through the song in low-registered druid speak. Qui-Gon Jinn, eat your heart out. These girls have got you beat. Even during the choruses when they're supposed to be "singing", they just bump their vocalizations up an octave and loudly talk over the music. It's almost like a psuedo-pop music representation of spoken-word poetry. I guess that would make sense, if the damn video wasn't marketed as a fucking music video. This song has all the flair and look of what's supposed to be a stylized pop music video but it ends up coming across like a giant 4th of July popcorn fart.

The worst parts are the lyrics. These lyrics, sweet bleedin' Jesus, these lyrics. I couldn't even attempt to write a song and have it suck farts through a straw like these. I'm going to take you through most of the song, lyric by lyric, and show you just what this shit-heap is all about. Why am I doing this? I don't know. You probably don't wanna touch the video with a twenty-mile restraining order, so let me instead give you my interpretation of the subject matter. I'm stealing these from "MetroLyrics". You can thank me later.

look at me and tell me the truth
what do you do
when people don't know what we go through

(See? Right there. Read the first three lines alone. What the hell does that even mean? The first three lines, both by themselves and combined, are non-sequitur statements. They don't mean anything. It's meaningless. They don't come close to meaning anything that can be comprehended in the English language. They're dead words.)

they see my blonde hair, blue eyes and class

but they don't know i have a really big (heart)

(She says "heart" but her rhyme is supposed to imply "ass". A 15-16 year old girl singing about her ass has me feeling most uncomfortable and wishing I never pulled this shit up in the first place.)

Less of a wink and more of a "Why did you spit in my eye?" look

please, don't get me wrong
i know that i am hot
but textbook perfection really takes a lot

(This batch drips with...something. Conceitedness? I guess? It's about the nicest thing I can think of. Especially since this so-called 'textbook perfection' is too much of a stretch for her.)

when guys call my phone
and girls call me names
but like miley said
i can't be tamed

(There's really nothing wrong with the lines here <other than it's mediocre reference to Miley in the attempt to create a buzz and draw in manufactured star-power> but you have to watch the video to see this part. The delivery is amazing. It's like she got injected with 10 cc of Prozac and then snorted two lines of Xanax and then tried to speak. The tone flatlines and she just rides it like a dead pony lying on the racetrack. It's almost like the music's playing on a cassette player and then it gets stuck in the tapedeck, ripping the tape and warping the sound, causing a dull, monotone droning that doesn't stop until you rip the tapedeck out of your car and smash it with hammer.)

[chorus]
hot girls we have problems too

(Grammatically inconsistent. Are you talking to hot girls or are you saying you are hot girls?)

we're just like you
except we're hot

(Hot? You mean '16'?)

the world needs to open their eyes
and realize
we're not perfect and sometimes we lie!

(Then why are you singing about how hot you are if you also wanna point out what a piece of shit liar you can be? Pick a stupid stance and go with it.)

i got the look
i got the butt
but those things don't make me a slut

(Not necessarily, but pointing them out in a bragging manner certainly doesn't tip the scales in your favor.)

boys call me stuck up

(Because you are.)

girls say i'm conceited

(Because you are.)
on behalf of all hot girls
those comments aren't needed

(Did your therapist tell you to say that? Don't forget to give them a songwriting credit when it gets published to radio-- I mean TV-- I mean...the internet.)

just cuz i'm pretty
i have to be dumb
i don't care about wits
i just wanna have fun

(Again, you lost me. Are you agreeing with them saying you're dumb? Are you disagreeing? We get you think that just because you're pretty then you have to be dumb, but then you say you don't care. So why sing the first lines...oh nevermind.)

Doesn't really have anything to do with the video. I just
was thinking about what the video reminded me of.

people start rumours
and say things about me
funny thing is:
i didn't go to the party

(What are you even talking about? Now there's a party involved? So just because you didn't go to a party, that means that you're not a conceited ho-bag?! What train of logic did you hop onto? You could've skipped the party to blow Bobby on the playground at night, we don't know! Not going to a party and using that fact as a point of argument as to why you're not Skankapotamus doesn't even begin to correlate.)

Read more: Double Take - Hot Problems Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

So that was most of the lyrics. By now you've either stopped reading entirely or are entirely mentally disabled by reading all of that. For those of you still here and mentally functioning, you're probably wondering how does it all end? Well, unfortunately the limo doesn't explode, so don't get your hopes up. The girls wrap it all up and say "Just kidding, we're perfect" and continue to flaunt themselves. You know, like not-sluts. Look I'm not trying to hate them, I'm sure they're nice girls even though it's pretty obvious this song wasn't a demonstration of talent (lord knows that ship sank before the first take) but moreso to tell off a bunch of people we've never seen or heard or even know existed for being mean to them. It's a revenge song. Or song? What am I thinking. It's a revenge poem with a musical melody that sounds like a partially-melted hurdy-gurdy.

I would say don't watch, but the fact I took 15 minutes to write an entire blog post on it means you might as well. It's like The Room of YouTube indie music, except where The Room is amusing and entertaining in spite of being awful, this is just a train wreck of shit-sauce.